Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
