i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
