You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
