The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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