WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
