at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
