i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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