I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
