her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
