Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
