I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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