youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
True strength comes from lack of pants
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
