brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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