Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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