I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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