yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
