u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
