I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
