When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
