the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I am midnight drunk by noon
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
