so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
