According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
