Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
