My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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