I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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