He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
