FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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