The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
