____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
