Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
