I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
