My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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