i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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