somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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