on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
