yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
