I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
