1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
