I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
