Yo dont text me then not text me
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
