I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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