So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
