Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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