nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I AM VODKA MAN
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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