It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
