god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
