2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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