if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
