I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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