Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
this beer tastes like vomit already
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
